True unhappiness this way lies
Posted by Elmo | Filed under Asperger's thoughts and rambles..
“Don’t you ever feel normal?” I paused and thought about what I’d just been asked, not wanting to do either myself or normality an injustice with a hasty reply. I can’t honestly remember my answer, or if I answered at all. Maybe a good old sigh and then onto more pressing topics, such as what I’m cooking for tea. It has however prompted me to question what normality is (too deep and I don’t think I’ll crack that one, as finer minds than mine have only come up with a shrug of the shoulders) and what it means for me to feel normal or otherwise. What would make someone ask you that question in the first place? Well for sometime now I have been heading downwards into a spiral of difficulties and torn emotions I know all too well. You see I have a mental illness. There I said it. Yes, I am mentally ill. Not mad, bad or (too) ugly but afflicted with a chemical imbalance in my brain which I have endured since my teens. Autistic and a mental illness, all that I need now is a physical complaint and I’ll have the complete set. I like to be thorough. As it stands I am on the cusp of collapse, gripping onto sanity by my fingernails. I know just how bad it can be if I lose the strength and fall into it completely. I have lost everything when swallowed up by depression. My studies, my friends, work, my life. Things which can take a lifetime to build up and maintain, snatched away and thrown into the sewer in the blink of an eye. It’s my biggest fear, an enduring memory which likes to tease me and remind me that ‘he’ is waiting for any sign of weakness to strike and fuck me all over again.
So, where did this all start? I remember the overwhelming feeling of sadness and being completely alone at 14. This then escalated into actively seeking out ways to end my young life, I have lost count of the number of attempts between 14 and 18 but I would hazard a guess at 7 or 8. I was, however, far more successful with the self harming. I’d say I was a pro. Knifes, forks, electric carving apparatus. To this day my body bares the scars of this most pathetic and pointless activity of self loathing, pain and release. That’s what it was for me, a release. It had a morbidly therapeutic affect on me. I would go as far as to say it was addictive, maybe slightly pleasurable even. All in all I set out to mutilate various parts of my body with gusto and well..I’d think up an excuse to explain it away later. Animal scratches, an accident in the kitchen, I slipped and cut myself on glass…on and on it went. It has left me deeply insecure about my own body and even in moments of intimacy I will go to great lengths to conceal my secret shame. T-shirts, trousers, shorts, dim lighting at all times…just look anywhere but at my body. Damn, I even go to the beach in Jeans and Hi Tops…35 degrees or otherwise.
More on the emotional side. Sadness progressed to black numbness, a blanket of misery and pain. Numb to all that might be good and receptive only to what was staring me in the face. Depression. Out and out fucking pits of hell, where even attempting to speak was a step too far. Days turned into weeks, weeks to months before the oasis of light from within the darkness that my life had become. Throw an ounce of cannabis a week into the equation and depression became coupled with psychosis and urgent medical attention was no longer just an option, it was vital. So that is how I ended up in the mental health system, a despondent void had replaced a slightly awkward teen. Leading up to my first appointment with the psychiatrist I had broken down completely. Self harmed to the point of breaking my own hand, locked myself away in my room and lost the ability to vocalise at all. For want of a better description, I was fucked.
I was diagnosed at 17 with complex depression. A vague diagnosis, which I am still no closer to understanding some 11-12 years on. I was pumped full of a wonderful selection of drugs from Seroxat to Respiridone, Olanzapine and Carbamazipine. Needless to say it did little for my figure and I ballooned. A fat, heavely sedated non entity. Weren’t the best of times to be honest, don’t think I pulled much. I was on various concoctions of drugs for a number of years. Obviously turning to Islam sorted out my illicit drug use and since then I have never experienced psychotic episodes. Thankfully they were proven to be drug induced. At the time we all thought the diagnosis of Schizophrenia was on the cards. It would have been easy to have gone down that route and I’ll be grateful for the rest of my days to the mental health team who worked with me for not doing so. Unfortunately, they didn’t have the complete picture. They were unaware of my highs. Manic highs.
So, what the hell does all this mean anyway? Well, for the past year or so at least I have been getting pretty excitable. Full of ideas of how I am going to achieve the greatness that (as I see/saw it as) is my birth right. Arrogance, ego mania, irritability, foul language, believing that I was bigger and more important than Jesus or indeed the Beatles, and heavy spending. Spending huge amounts of money on shit that I’ll never use or likely even look at again. Giving friends hundreds and in some cases thousands of pounds as ‘gifts’. Running up an overdraft that would make Obafemi Martins (Footballer who used to be overdrawn every month despite earning 80k a week!) blush. No understanding or concern for the implications. Not caring that I hadn’t eaten or slept for 3 days. These highs are as extreme, or in some cases more, than the lows. I could go on and on, but my head can’t be arsed anymore. I think you get the idea.
So, next Tuesday I am booked into the Doctors. Booked in, God willing, before depression sets up home in my head like an univited gypsy. What do I want? Bipolar. When do I want it? Never again.
Take care friends
x
Here comes the pain
Posted by Elmo | Filed under Asperger's thoughts and rambles..
Violent outbursts and Asperger’s, a subject which has been discussed countless times. Something which I have, to some extent, made a point of avoiding. Talking about it from a personal perspective can be uncomfortable and when thinking through the things you may have done and said it can be very tempting to say ‘fuck Asperger’s, I’m a total nutter and a danger to society’!
I used to ‘suffer’ frequently with what are commonly referred to as meltdowns. Some in my youth were, no doubt, drug induced rages but the more recent freak outs have been a case of reaching a point of no return and being overloaded with crappy situations and environments which I just can’t cope with. So, What have you done Elmo? Well, let’s start with hospitalising a friend of mine…I beat him unconscious in a paranoid fit of peak. Nice. Ripping doors off their hinges, breaking expensive electrical equipment, smashing windows, fighting bus drivers, swearing loudly in public places, behaving in a threatening and intimidating manner, breaking my hand by punching a brick wall repeatedly, throwing tables across a common room, being verbally abusive to friends and family, fighting opposing soccer teams fans. That’s just the stuff I remember, or rather what I feel comfortable admitting to.
It’s hard to put into words the feelings that overwhelm an individual during a ‘meltdown’, it isn’t even frightening. It’s almost as though all sense of perspective and logic packs up and walks out the door and you are left with a human ball of hate and fury. To be fair, those close to me are aware of these outbursts and potential triggers. They know that it would be a form of abuse to push me to the point where I can take no more and breakdown. Fortunately, these incidents have decreased since my diagnosis. Now that I understand myself better, I am able to work around potential difficulties and/or avoid situations which will be beyond my control or ability to. That being said, I don’t accept ‘meltdowns’ as par for the course with being autistic. I can sit here now and understand that these ‘meltdowns’ can be very damaging to myself and those around me, not to mention in some cases highly illegal. So, I work on it. I have ready prepared coping strategies which I use when I feel myself becoming stressed and overwhelmed. Such as taking myself away and doing breathing exercises, listening to music or best of all the sound of a running diesel engine (bliss!).
Anger can be power, it’s just a matter of how you use it.
Peace x
Tags: asperger's, aspie rage, meltdowns
Knowing yourself, setting the boundaries
Posted by Elmo | Filed under Asperger's thoughts and rambles..
How do we keep ourselves fit, happy and in good working order? I can’t speak for everyone on the spectrum (wouldn’t even want to!) but for me it is about embracing your limitations as much as your talents. I have been married and been in relationships throughout my adult life and I would like to think that whilst none have ultimately been successful I may have learned a thing or two along the way. I doubt it, but it sounds good to say!
So, for me I have come to realise more and more that what my spirit craves and thrives with most is a good slice of isolation. Relationships seem like wonderful, life transformers from the outside (for many out there, I am sure they live up to expectation) but the reality is often something different. My heart goes out to anyone in search of love and acceptance, to feel a part of something special and to share experiences. For me though, well I’d rather be alone. Alone with my thoughts and strange ways, free from the pressure to conform and adapt who I am for the sake of someone else. This may sound selfish, but in my opinion it is far less selfish than dragging another soul in a direction it neither expected or wanted to go down.
I don’t expect another person to change for me, why would I choose to be with them if I didn’t like who they were to start with? No, love yourself and the rest will follow…maybe.
People think my life must be terribly lonely and unfulfilled. Nothing could be further from the truth. Rather than count my losses, I count my blessings of which there are many. I appreciate the good and accept the bad. Music is the main passion/love of my life. Whatever kind of day I have had or how I have behaved, it is there for me. I view it as my life long partner and am very much looking forward to growing old with ‘her’.
Don’t push yourself to be something you will ultimately feel uncomfortable with or not recognise. Know that you are who you are and where needed think about your actions and how you treat others, but don’t beat yourself up when things don’t go to plan.
Stay free.
Anwar
Good morning beautiful
Posted by Elmo | Filed under Asperger's thoughts and rambles..
A person recently gave me a handbook on how to lead a happy, fruitful life. It was like a realisation beyond anything I had ever experienced before. Suddenly, the world made sense and problems weren’t problems at all. Priorities were mapped out as clear as rain drops on a window in summer. The yearning every soul has to be connected to another, to find a person to share the joys and the mysteries of this world with. To allow yourself to feel the things you were designed for, to be at peace with the person you are and the situations that make up your life.
The handbook is not a book at all, but a bond. It is not something you buy, sell, touch. It is something you can only get through feeling. In a strange way, I finally feel alive.
Instead of chasing the empty, material world. A landscape I had embraced to numb the pain and unhappiness that had gripped me like a disease. I can remove those shackles and explore something far deeper and REAL. My soul is making itself known, by sharing it’s space and time with it’s mate. A true connection, for the very first time.
Good morning beautiful.
Pornography of the soul
Posted by Elmo | Filed under Asperger's thoughts and rambles..
Surrounding yourself with others is all well and good, but ultimately when all is said and done…you’re on your own.
Generally speaking, this is a good thing. Provided it is at your choosing and not through lack of options to do otherwise. You will crash and burn if you give too much of yourself to too many, or too frequently. An autistic person needs the safety of isolation like a child needs its favourite toy or object of comfort.
What I realise is, that after prolonged periods of exposure to other people I begin to unravel. Unsure of all the do’s and don’ts and fatigued by having to maintain a level of concentration which neither suits me or I it. Being around people is great…in bursts but something altogether less pleasant when there is an expectation placed upon you and your time. Maybe that is why NT/Asperger relationships suffer so much. Well, at least it may be one of the difficulties.
Generally speaking, we are quite selfish with our free time. If we work (especially if we don’t particularly enjoy it) it can be awfully draining. Everybody gets tired from working hard, sure. There are, however, important differences between an NT at work and an autistic person at work. The NT kind of gets on with it and can blend in and deal with the stresses of the job (huge generalisation). The person on the autistic spectrum however has to develop coping strategies for fear that with one false move the whole pack of cards can come crashing down. You live in a state of fear. I would say that fear is often the foremost emotion for an autistic person. Realising our differences, even when others may not. The act of blending into the background can be a huge struggle. Funny really.
I have experienced that overwhelming sense of personal loss. Thankfully not in a work situation…yet. At college I suffered two HUGE breakdowns. The strain I put on myself to be popular, to be attractive, to beNORMAL…oh… and to do my studies (that was the easy bit!). I indeed began to unravel, descending into a pit of self destructive and anti social behaviours which were fuelled by an insatiable thirst for cannabis (skunk in my case), sex and ultimately violence. I was losing myself to a world that expects so much, but at times seems to give so little in return. I went from being a polite, funny, slightly awkward kid into a man (I use the term lightly) on the edge. To go further at this point would be unfair on the reader and I am wary that this has been, by far, my most revealing and selfish post.
Now for the joke.
There’s no joke this time I’m afraid. Just the thoughts of somebody who has hit the bottom, but with support and with determination fought his way up. I want younger autistic’s to read this. The type of people who were exposed to the same type of indulgences and dangers that I was. Never give up on yourself. If it all goes wrong, it was meant to. The beauty is that after the dust has settled you can reboot and start all over. Yes, maybe from the bottom but what better place to start to stop from sinking back down? Utilise the strength that you will gain from these experiences. Use your life to be great people.
The bit of advice I would like to leave you with is, never give too much of yourself away to any one individual. Keep enough in the tank to keep you going. This I am still struggling with.
Anwar Isa Sullivan
Tags: anwar isa sullivan, asperger syndrome, autism, coping, meltdowns
Inner strength
Posted by Elmo | Filed under Asperger's thoughts and rambles..
Many times I am asked about how I deal with praise. It’s an issue which concerns many on the spectrum as it can often be difficult for autistic people to accept or believe praise. Why is that? Could it be that first and foremost, autistic people often have very poor self esteem or that we live in a world where it is normal practice to intimidate and marginalise those who appear ‘different’? These two factors are not separate but a cause and effect which determines how a person feels about who they are and what they can do.
When you have been told you are shit, useless, weird, a waste of space, good for nothing, cold, emotionless, self absorbed, a freak…well need I go on? When you have had these labels amongst others thrown at you from your first day at school or even within the ‘sanctuary’ of the home, it is not hard to see why a person would have low self esteem…never mind be able to accept praise readily.
So, how does somebody go about changing this. There is no simple answer. Evaluate yourself, look at what you enjoy in life..do you have certain skills in that area? Think about how you behave, do you try and be kind and support others? Can you do things which other people seem to struggle with..such as working with numbers, learning languages, preparing tasty meals, producing art or music, retaining vast amounts of knowledge, using computer software?
That’s where it has to start.
Once you can think to yourself that, yes you can do some pretty cool things and do have some very obscure/interesting hobbies then you begin to realise that you are worthy of praise. That same thing that makes you ‘different’ is the very thing that at times throughout your life others will envy and attempt to belittle you for.
I can’t stress enough, just how important employment can be for an autistic person. To have the routine of work, to feel needed, to be appreciated, admired, supported and encouraged. It’s massive.
Finding like minded people, who relate to you and like you just for being you is a great way of finding your place in the world. It’s never about quantity when it comes to friendships, it’s all about quality. I would rather have one true friend than 100 who neither understood me or would stand by me no matter what.
This blog is just a short ramble and could never do justice to this most sensitive of topics, but in answer to the question..how do I deal with praise? Just fine. All because, what others think is not as important as we are led to believe. It is what we know that counts.
Anwar Isa Sullivan
Tags: asperger syndrome and praise, autism, self esteem
Under pressure
Posted by Elmo | Filed under Asperger's thoughts and rambles..
In many ways I can get about my day to day life with minimum fuss, secure in the knowledge that I have those things around me that keep me calm. For instance, I greatly reduce the impact of sudden sharp noises when out and about in public by having my ipod with me at all times. Leaving the house without my music is a no no and on the rare occasions it has happened my stress has increased tenfold. I have my hat which I wear daily, the same hat…day in, day out…winter, summer, the beach! The hat stays put! I have been known to take a bath wearing it (ok, that’s not true). I have routines about routes I take to get somewhere, the foods I eat, the books I read, how I sequence a particular activity. By doing this, it could appear peculiar and unnecessary if someone realised that I was actually doing it in the first place. I know I am not going to die if I don’t do something a certain way (although for many, many years I did imagine something awful would happen if I didn’t follow a pattern/routine properly), sometimes I am completely unaware that I have adopted a new routine until it is pointed out by someone close to me.
That is just an ever so brief glimpse into part of my world, the good stuff. Harmless measures which make my day to day experiences and interactions more manageable and at times even pleasurable. There are, however, those times where the control is taken away from me. Everyone has experienced that feeling, whether on the autism spectrum or not, of being in an environment where we do not feel at ease…maybe the first day in a new job or meeting the future in-laws for the first time. It is something that has to be endured to achieve the aim, but the process is or at least can be unpleasant and draining. I find new social ‘occasions’ unpleasant and draining. I say social occasions, but really I mean any environment where there are people and me! Work is very much a social outing, much like say going to the pub or going round to a friends house for a chat. That seems odd to you, right? What I mean to say is, I have a cup for social interacting whereas your average Joe has a bucket. I get my ‘fill’ pretty quickly compared to the amount of time people tend to need to be around other people. After I reach my limit, my cup begins to overflow and the whole experience becomes quite unpleasant and the need to retreat appears as an automatic defence mechanism. Now, I have the tools to socialise perfectly well with those I am close to. To be fair, even they know I can only tolerate being around them for a certain amount of time before it starts to irk me. So, I do have the ability to socialise, to make conversation (one on one is much preferred, group chats bad!) and to be liked (sometimes!).
Yesterday I had to attend a work related training programme. It was only a three hour thing, but I had been dreading it since the weekend. I know what these things are all about. I’ve been there and done it so many times that you think it would get better over time. It does not. I sat outside in the drizzle for as long as was reasonable prior to going into the complex. Making my way up the stairs to the first floor, each clap of my foot against a step a reminder to me that I will soon be consumed by the noise of chatter and laughter. I will soon be thinking, oh for God’s sake…just like when I overhear a conversation regarding West Ham (I have an amazing ability to pick up this word, almost like a trigger word that set’s things in motion like saying BOMB during a telephone conversation!) and the husband of one of the club’s directors, a former footballer who is now a manager. Anyway these people were trying to remember/guess which team he is coaching and settled on either Bury or Torquay. It is Burton Albion. Damn fools! See what I have to put up with?! Still, back to the topic at hand. I sit myself at the opposite end of the room to everyone else, who have known each other for all of two minutes and thirty eight seconds but are engrossed in loud conversations and horrific cackling laughter which pierces my ears and makes me squint my eyes. I never hide my displeasure, nor could I if I tried. Luckily I have a book to hand and I busy myself with that, just for a change it’s a book about Asperger’s syndrome. I make no eye contact with anyone nor any attempt at pleasantries. Like a child, I will speak only when spoken to and I will give the impression that I don’t give a f**k…I don’t. Why oh why, role play? Seriously…can we not just bring in a person who can actually deliver a lesson, knows enough about what they are talking about to not have to use the most pointless of fillers…drama in a work/training situation…please. I’m twenty eight with a beard, I don’t need this. I didn’t need it when I was fourteen and clean shaven, but I was at school and at that moment drama was on my curriculum. I decided that the actor’s life wasn’t for me, I dealt with it…moved on and never gave it a second thought, but oh wait let’s make a lesson fun by making the people here look and feel like complete tits. Cheers.
It’s not easy being this positive, it takes years of bitching!
Take care people 
Anwar Isa Sullivan
Transcript of my talk at the autism show (June 24th 2011)
Posted by Elmo | Filed under Asperger's thoughts and rambles..
First of all I’d like to start by thanking the organisers of the autism show for inviting me & giving me the opportunity to be here with you all today. It is certainly an honour to be involved with such a worthwhile and insightful event and I’m sure we will all go away feeling more knowledgeable and positive for the future.
My name is Anwar and I am 28 years old. I live in the Yorkshire town of Huddersfield, although as you can probably tell I am a Londoner. I want to talk to you today about two things, which for me are actually interlinked. The first is about work and having an ASC. Now I am sure there are many present today who have an ASC and also are employed. Sadly there will be many more who desperately want to work, but cannot find a career which suits them and their needs. The reasons for why finding paid employment can be so difficult are as diverse as people themselves. When you apply for a job, it is not merely the job you are signing up for it is also the other more complex aspects which are seldom mentioned on a job description. Things like social interaction with colleagues, chit chat, office politics, dealing with bullying in the workplace are all things which we have to be aware of when starting work. The expectations to fit in can seem overwhelming. It is hard enough adopting a new routine solely in being an employee, never mind building friendships and working relationships. There can be so much to take in and striking a balance can be hard. First and foremost, speaking personally, I believe it is vital to find a job in something you actually enjoy. Chances are that you will be more productive and certainly more at ease if you are happy being at work in the first place. Like many I have done a variety of different jobs from 16 onwards which have included voluntary work in my local community, working in a factory, a kitchen, a landscape gardening firm and in a school. I can’t lie and say that I was either successful or enjoyed all the jobs that I have done. I have particularly bad memories of having worked in a large DIY store when I was 16. I won’t mention the name of the company but I will say that their uniform of bright green and orange did nothing for my pasty Irish complexion! I lasted there for all of two weeks, I felt isolated and under immense pressure doing something which I neither enjoyed or had the ability to do well. I remember running away from customers and hiding behind tins of paint until they were out of view and I can confer that it is true what they say about shop attendants disappearing behind the stock room door at the back of the shop….you would never be seeing me again! I do wonder how long I left people waiting wondering where I was with the light fitting they were after while I climbed into a shelf surrounded by compost and dead plants and listened to AC/DC on my walkman! My big break, as it were, came when I was successful in my interview at a school for children with disabilities and complex needs. I was employed as a teaching assistant on a one to one basis with a young boy who had Williams syndrome and had previously struggled in mainstream school settings. I was assigned to work with him on a one to one and it worked out brilliantly. I was 19 at the time and not long left college, I was unsure as to how successful I would be and nervous in that I did not have experience and being a school the classroom could be very noisy, which could make processing all that was going on a bit of a challenge at times. The one to one was such a success that after a little under working one year with the boy intensively his behaviour had improved to such an extent that it was decided that there was no longer any need for him to have a one to one and I was let go. Strange to think that by having done a good job, I had actually sealed my own fate and was back in the job market. I’ve stuck with the caring profession ever since and have worked in a variety of settings including a day centre, a hostel for young adults with learning disabilities and mental health issues, respite care, outreach work, supported living and many other areas in between. For me it has been a natural career choice as I consider myself to be someone who cares deeply for the wellbeing of others and have a strong sense of social justice. Supporting the people I have who have all been so different and their needs equally as diverse has been a huge honour and the satisfaction of having done my very best at all times gives me a huge sense of self worth. I have supported children and adults with classic autism, asperger’s syndrome, cerebral palsy, down syndrome, myotonic dystrophy, schizophrenia to name just a few. I have learnt so much and grown immensely as a person, for me it is a case of what I do defines who I am. I really believe that care work can be an excellent choice of career for individual’s who are on the spectrum. Having an ASC myself has, I believe, given me a more developed understanding of some of the more intricate issues faced by children and adults who access care facilities. It can be a very demanding job at times and you need to have the right temperament to deal with noisy, busy environments. The most important quality you need, in my opinion, to do well in care is a big heart. It is worrying actually how many people go into care work, but for all the wrong reasons. You wonder whether there is an ounce of goodness in their hearts or if they just see the job merely in terms of earning a wage. The people I support are my equal and have the right to be shown respect at all times, supported with dignity, compassion, understanding, recognition of who they are and the choices they make. If you can care for someone as you would want to be cared for or as you would want your family members to be cared for, then you must be doing it right.
I work for a local authority and have been employed by them for over four years now. I am competent and dedicated (qualities which are commonly associated with people on the spectrum in the workplace). My support plans have been picked out as excellent examples of how a care plan should be done and I have been told by managers that I take the needs of the customers I support more to heart than anyone else. Despite all of this my humility is intact, no ego here! Although my wife may say otherwise! It has not all been so straightforward and rewarding though. A little under two years ago I applied for and was successful in interview for the post of deputy manager. I was unsure about going for it in the first place, but I knew I had the experience and colleagues and family members said that I should apply. It was during the week’s training we were given prior to starting the job that showed me just how much I felt out of my depth. I became withdrawn in the group sessions (an activity I despise at the best of times) and breaks and lunchtimes meant seeking out an alleyway or wall where I could smoke ridiculous amounts of tobacco and be alone or phone my wife just so nobody would approach me for a conversation. I remember a colleague who had also been successful commenting to me how great it was meeting all these new people, it was like hell on earth for me. The panic set in and I knew I didn’t want to do the job. After the week’s training was over I called my line manager and explained the situation, I even joined a union just in case there was any issue with me returning to my previous role. Fortunately they were very understanding and I returned to doing what I’m best at, supporting and caring for people with learning disabilities.
At this point I would like to say that my managers have been exceptional in supporting me at work, they have accommodated me in ways which enable me to do my work in peace and at peace. Things such as not putting me in large staff meetings (as I find these very uncomfortable), allowing me to wear my hat, which I do at all times, even though it is against the dress code. They also help me to fill in my timesheets and make sure I am paid for bank holidays and overtime, as this is something I struggle to do independently. They even put me in touch with care first, when I was having some problems…they practically dialled the number and locked me in a room just to make sure I actually went through with it and spoke with a councillor!
Now, returning to the generic advice on this theme. Often people on the spectrum can suffer from low self esteem which can be a culmination of many things which builds up over time. This can start from problems at home, teasing and bullying at school, failure in building relationships, fear of rejection, problems finding a fulfilling career or any form of work at all. Being able to find employment has significant benefits for a person’s feelings of self worth and importance. Support with careers should be offered at secondary school with particular attention paid to the person on the autism spectrum in identifying what they would like to do, how realistic that is and interview skills practice. The interview stage is daunting at the best of times, but these normal stresses are exacerbated when you throw asperger’s or any ASC into the equation. By offering specialised support and interview training you can allow the person an opportunity to learn and cultivate skills to do with how we present ourselves to others (dress, appearance, confidence), common courtesy (such as hand shaking which does not always come naturally to an autistic person), how to best answer typical interview questions and asking specific questions relating to the work the person would be undertaking.
What are some of the positive attributes that most employees on the spectrum bring to the workplace. Reliability, focus, ability to work well on our own, perfectionist, eye for detail, different ways of problem solving which can lead to rewarding and unexpected results, integrity and honesty. Areas which we often struggle with include time keeping, being organised, multi tasking, staying on topic, communication, stress and anxiety, dealing with change and social skills. The problem areas can be worked through, especially if your employers are prepared to take reasonable steps to support you as mine have done with me. Ask questions so that you feel confident and competent in your job, if it works well for you to have a daily planner whereby you can put a timescale to certain tasks you have to do during your working day then do that. I work to a structured rota which tells me exactly where I should be, when and for how long. Effective time management and also a sense of security and calm.
Ok, so the key points I would like to make to those of you out there who are looking for work is:
1)Think about what you enjoy, what you’re good at and what appeals to you. You may feel that you do not have any stand out talents, but that’s not true. Sometimes we don’t realise or know instinctively what it is that we have a gift for and it can take time. Don’t let that put you off, because I honestly believe we all have talents and it is just about knowing ourselves better and making the best of what we have.
2) Start off slowly, maybe by trying voluntary or part time employment first. Almost like a try before you buy offer, which means you can see how you get on in a specific job before fully committing to a full time role. Hopefully this will prove successful and lead to positive employment opportunities.
3) Don’t assume that employers will know about the difficulties you may be having if you haven’t told them. Often with an ASC it can appear we are coping just fine, but inside it’s a very different story. We can become extremely stressed, anxious and even depressed if we are unhappy about something or feel burdened. Tell those who need to know about your ASC, don’t feel ashamed of it and you may be pleasantly surprised how accommodating people can be. Also bare in mind that legislation is in place regarding discrimination and equal opportunities.
4) Allow yourself treats. What I mean when you have worked hard and maybe saved some money or just received your pay, buy yourself something that you like…a reward for a job well done! Obviously I am not saying you buy yourself a new BMW 7 series and get into debt, but something smaller which will make you happy. Of course if you have the cash to buy the BMW then well done you!
5) Don’t fear rejection. We all experience failure and disappointment at some time or another in our lives. If you fail at interview don’t let that put you off, put it down to experience learn from it and remember you can ask for feedback on what you did well and where you didn’t do so well. Keep going and with the right opportunity it will come good for you.
Now, if I may allow me to indulge myself as I talk about the reason I was invited to be here today. I had written a piece for NAS communication magazine which was all about my foray into the world of stand up comedy as a person with an autistic spectrum condition. I had wanted to write about my experiences from the point of view of somebody who is both autistic and a comedian, I use the word comedian lightly but as none of you have seen me perform before what the hell?!
I came to be both on the autistic spectrum and comedy circuit quite late on. What I mean to say is I wasn’t diagnosed with asperger syndrome until well into my twenties and likewise didn’t take to the stage until I had received the diagnosis. Of course I had always had asperger’s and in many ways I think it was more obvious in my early years than it is now. It was first noticed that all was not as it might be when I was at junior school and educational psychologists were called in to assess me. For one reason or another they were not able to finish their study of me and my behaviours and I spent the best part of twenty years struggling to understand the world around me and being sent through the glorious mental health system. This finally changed when I was diagnosed with asperger’s and suddenly it all made sense. All those behaviours of mine were suddenly put into context. The obsessions, the stimming, the reclusiveness, the routines, dislike of physical and eye contact. Having worked in the care field long before I was diagnosed I used to watch in amazement seeing people I supported who were autistic do things that I had done all my life. One thing in particular I used to do, I witnessed another individual doing almost identically. This action involved me taking my pointing finger whilst rocking, rubbing it in between my buttocks, raising the said finger to my nose and sniffing. Infact I think it was actions such as this that first made me so attractive and irresistible to my wife and actions such as this that will make you think twice should you have wanted to shake my hand at the end! Hand shaking is an interesting concept because it was not something which came naturally to me, neither did or does eye contact. My mum had to tell me that when you go for a job interview shake everyone’s hand and look them in the eye.
Now, comedy. For me comedy is an amazingly powerful tool. Something which can change the world around us. Change the way we think, change the way we behave and bring people together. The effect that comedy has had on helping to bring about changes in attitudes and who knows perhaps even laws is for me, awe inspiring. Comedy, when done right can be utilised to make a real difference. If we think about comedy and disability, unfortunately there has been far to much of a bias towards negative, prejudicial stereotypes from so called comedians who have no understanding of the issues of which they make jest. It has been acceptable to mock those people who are most vulnerable and in need of support and understanding in our society. It wasn’t so long ago when sexist, racist and homophobic humour was a mainstream form of entertainment here in the UK. Something changed. Those same people who had been the but of ignorant, hurtful jibes took to the stage and made those same audiences (in many cases) laugh. They challenged peoples opinions and I think we would say successfully so. Especially when we think for example about homosexuality, how many of the great comedians and performers have been gay? National treasures such as Kenneth Williams, Frankie Howerd, Stephen Fry, Larry Grayson, Julian Clarey and Allan Carr…some are obviously more highly regarded than others but you get the idea. Comedy can be utilised to educate, to raise issues which can largely remain swept under the carpet in every day society. You can make political comments in comedy that challenge authority and are otherwise discouraged, but when wrapped up in humour can be like a knife through the façade of corruption and injustice.
I don’t think disability, mental health, autistic spectrum conditions should be excluded from comedy. In fact I think these things should be talked about. As long as it is done with integrity and sensitivity, then why not? I know for a fact that certain aspects of my behaviour amuse people and not in a disrespectful or nasty way, in fact I have been told that these same behaviours are some of my most endearing qualities. Stimming for example. For those of you who are not aware of what stimming is, it is typically an outward expression of joy or discomfort which can take many different forms. Commonly you may be aware of finger flapping or spinning. These things can be very important in an autistic person’s life, as a way of displaying how excited we are or how distressed we are. I stim an awful lot, especially when engaging in an activity I enjoy such as listening to music or thinking about something which pleases me. I’ve done it all my life from arm flapping and jumping when I was a child, to very intricate finger movements, rocking and head smacking now I am an adult. To me it is a natural as waking up in the morning or putting on my clothes, but I can appreciate that it does look odd to most people. In fact it can be down right amusing at times and people have remarked about it and how I flap my fingers when say for example I imagine meeting Carlos Tevez (a hero of mine who used to play for West Ham) or when listening to a particularly high pitched scream from the lead singers of Judas Priest and Iron Maiden. Yes, fair enough that could and does look funny, but I tell you what it get’s me a seat on the train during rush hour! So why shouldn’t I talk about such things in my comedy. Because I am not putting myself or others down, I am not insulting anyone. All I am doing is observational comedy, which for me is the best and purest form. By talking about aspects of my ASC I hope to educate and discuss things which most people do not understand, not because they are shallow or not interested but because there isn’t much of a forum for such things. There is a thin line between comedy and tragedy and it is important for the comedian to be aware of these things and appreciate that there are limits and there are places that you just don’t go, certain jokes are off limits because they do degrade and cause hurt.
When I appeared at the Manchester Comedy Store I followed some acts who insulted people with disabilities mercilessly. Gutter humour, lowest of the low cheap gags which sadly got laughs. I got up and straight away I was into disability, but from a different angle all together. From the viewpoint of someone who is considered disabled and who has no problem with that. I got laughs, infact I got more laughs than some of the comedians both before and after me. I knew that I had made people think and question certain opinions or misconceptions they themselves had. I know this because I was approached during the interval and given positive feedback. Excellent. This is why it is vital such things continue and we continue to challenge and fight our corner. There’s no point me going on the stage and being defensive or stand offish about disability issues, because that could do more harm then good and isolate myself and the cause further still.
I hope this little talk has been useful and not solely a chance for me to wear my posh top!
Tags: anwar isa sullivan, asperger's and employment, autism show, london excel
Reflections on my talk at the autism show (24th June 2011)
Posted by Elmo | Filed under Asperger's thoughts and rambles..
Rarely do I feel humbled, sentimental or overcome with appreciation for the general public. I felt all those things and more after I gave my first ever public talk about….well anything, in this case Asperger syndrome and employment with a bit about my stand up comedy for good measure.
I had been invited to give the talk on the back of an article I had published in NAS (National Autistic Society) Communication magazine a few months back. It was all about my experience as a stand up comedian with an autistic spectrum condition and how I believed that autistic people (contrary to popular belief) do indeed have a sense of humour.
The talk itself lasted approx 22 minutes with a further 10 minutes of questions and answers from members of the public who had come along. The feedback I received was fantastic and much appreciated, the best thing though was the reaction from the autistic community and how much they liked what I had said. It really made the whole thing seem so worthwhile. I was asked some very interesting and pressing questions, which I tried to answer as honestly and as best I could. I hope I didn’t let anyone down with my responses. I can only speak personally and therefore my advice may not be universal.
I had the opportunity to meet some very interesting people and network, which I am not often able to do. I really feel blessed to have had this opportunity and am hopeful that I can continue to offer my services to the community in the future.
I intend to continue what was started at the autism show and use my blog as a voice for all things ASC and would appreciate comments and questions from anybody who reads this and feels like they have something to say.
Until the next time, stay safe.
Anwar Isa Sullivan
